Bill Simmons writes the most entertaining articles on the Internet. Let me start by saying that. For those of you who don’t know who he is Simmons writes on ESPN.com once or twice a week. He writes for a sports website and rarely talks about actual sports unless it’s the Red Sox or Celtics. He spends most of his time discussing fantasy sports, Shawshank and other movies, and responding to mailbag questions. He has developed a devout following and seemingly has about the best life ever. I am jealous… That being said I have a bone to pick with him the size of a femur. His most recent two-part article was about his latest 2 night Vegas trip (… I’m excited to read this!!!... ) to do a fantasy football draft. (oh…) That isn’t my issue though. The article was entertaining, and his group of guys does what they should do; Drink, gamble, and drink. My problem with him is the times they check out for the evenings. First night: 1 am. What!?!? Are you kidding me? During my brother’s bachelor party trip we started drinking at 3 pm EASTERN TIME and didn’t stop until 4:30 am VEGAS time. We were then on the golf course drinking by 9 am. A.M!! They didn’t even leave the room until 9:45… come on Bill. I don’ care if you are 40. My father has you by 20 years and hung with us every single night.

Their second night is a little better, 3:30 am… but still. You don’t lay the ground work for a great night only to check out before the sun comes up. That’s like watching Almost Famous and turning it off BEFORE they sing Tiny Dancer. Ok it’s not like that at all but you get the point. He calls his 2 night trip great because they won money on a slot machine and did a fantasy draft. Ours included: Being awake til the sun rose every night, a private ESPN zone room for the Cavs playoff run, meeting the Miss USA Contestants, having South Africans on the strip know who we were by our shirts, and me discovering that filthy martini’s + 10 shots of espresso= cocaine. 3 nights, probably 9 hours of sleep, 4 days of debauchery and pictures to prove it. I don’t care how often you’ve been there Bill… you don’t know how to party like us Sockel boys… now onto what I really want to discuss… Accents

Last week during one of my classes I had a girl introduce herself to me. Her name isn't important and I don't remember it anyway but I asked how her day was going and she said fine. Then she responded in kind, "and how y'all doin?". I turned around to see if other people were behind me. Nope. I look again... nothing. "Y'all?" I asked. "Who else are you talking to?" Her response? "No one else! Just y'all!". My head hurts. I asked her where she was from expecting to here Georgia, or Tennessee, or Alabama but her answer was Cincinnati, born and raised.

This had to be a mistake so I asked her where her family was from and where she acquired her accent. She told me everyone in her family is from Ohiah (Ohio in stupid accent talk) and I about lost my mind. She told me everyone talks like this in the south. THE SOUTH!?!? We are in OHIO. One state away from the CANADIAN BORDER! Someone wake me up from this nightmare.

I've been down here for almost a month now and honestly not much is different from around Cleveland. Temperate climate and big ass squirrels. Really the only noticeable difference is that 90% of the fast food restaurants are chili places, which creeps me out. Everything is pretty much identical except that these people seem to prefer to whistle Dixie.

Can you find Ohio? Good job! Now find the south. Two different places right? The people of Cincinnati don't seem to grasp this concept

I don't get it. I drove four hours south when I moved here and it's like a whole new culture disguising itself with a similar look to the rest of Ohio. To top it all off this same girl told me I had a funny accent! Are you kidding me? The Yanks won, the rebels lost. Stop trying to be like them.

I understand that the people of Pennsylvania will have a different way of speaking then Ohioans as well as actual southerners and Californians have different lexicons as well. It's like this all over the world but for a single cities worth of people from Ohio to speak like they grew up in the Dukes of Hazzard is ridiculous. All I know is if I ever start saying y'all someone smack me in the face...and if I ever start eating Skyline chili for that matter.