Monday Night Football's comedy of errors

I love football. From August til January it fills up every single one of my weekends. College football games on Thursday nights and all day Saturday. NFL Sundays and then Monday Night Football after my night class. The problem though, is the way schedules work, or rather, television schedules. With college football regional coverage dominates and so we in Big(11)Ten country get to watch the same games every week. We rarely get to see west coast games or if they happen to be on it's usually on some obscure channel (case and point: USC/Stanford was on Foxsportsnet ohio last Saturday... hmm).
With the NFL, regional coverage also rules depending on what division the closest team is in. This means, in Cincinnati every Bengals game will be on (provided they sell enough tickets, or just give them away like usual) or the closest team otherwise. In most cases this means the Browns or Steelers games will be on CBS.
On Fox well, your choice most years is pretty much Dallas vs. whoever they're playing. This year, however, we also get to see every single Vikings Game. Gotta love the National Favre League. The main issue with this is that the games are scheduled a year in advance. This means that while the Sunday night game between the Colts and Patriots was a lock to be a great game and delivered, the majority of the country has no idea how good the Steelers/Bengals game was because it was played at 1 0' clock. Both games had huge playoff implications and yet one was played in prime time while the other was being played while most of the target audience was still nursing a hangover and trying to find out who has the best pizza deal this week.
This brings us to tonight's epic battle. My beloved Browns playing one of our rivals; the Baltimore thieves... I mean Ravens. How we received a prime time game I simply cannot figure out. See, these big time games are scheduled on a basis of the prior years results. It made sense for the Browns to have 5 prime time games last year. We were an "it" team. The analysts looked at our previous record, thought we'd be a trendy 2008 team and wanted to cash in on the moment. Had they actually watched the games they would've seen that, in reality, we were a team with a ton of holes that caught a lot of breaks. Of course, their plan backfired, we were garbage, and the nation got to watch us go down in flames. After the gigantic disappointment that was last year the Browns fired their coach and GM and then proceeded to slowly trade off high profile pieces. It was clear that this would be a rebuilding year. It's turned out to be much, much worse. This isn't a rebuilding year, it's a weekly train wreck. So who in the NFL offices decided, "You know what games I'd like to see? The Browns playing two rivals who are traditionally much better then them late in the season." Whoever it was better have been fired.
If this were to happen in the NBA or the MLB the league would simply flex a different game in so the country would get to watch the Yankees, or Kobe or Bron Bron but the physicality and preparation involved with football wouldn't allow this type of schedule switch in the NFL. Therefore we are left with a game that appears to be so lopsided that even ESPN couldn't figure out how to market for it. Has anyone else seen the MNF commercials for this week? The best thing they could say for the Browns is, "Could they play Monday Night Spoiler?" Wow. Spoiler is a word reserved for an unranked team shocking a top 25 team in a Coaches against Cancer preseason college basketball tournament, not a professional football team.
Sadly, it's pretty clear what is going to happen tonight. The Browns will look terrible, the Ravens defense will beat us up, and by the 3rd quarter Jaws and Gruden will be searching for things to talk about during the telecast (I'm guessing we get an endless barrage of arguments discussing whether or not Belichick was right or wrong last night.) The only difference this week is that the Browns will suck on national television. I'm guessing though, it won't be too embarrassing, seeing as how only 15 people outside of Baltimore and Cleveland will be watching this game.
The good thing about being a Browns fan though is our blind faith and endless love for our team. Therefore, I, like every other Clevelander will sport my bright orange Kiedrowski's Bakery shirt with the Brownie on the back, drink way too much and belligerently yell "Here we go Brownie's Here we Go!" at the TV until my face is read. I'll pray for win, hope for a great game, or at the very least a good game by Brady but I can promise that, at the very least, We'll enjoy watching the game. As for the rest of America, I apologize. You deserve better.

I find that the best way to write is as if you were a schizophrenic with ADD. All over the place, with no real direction, rhyme or reason. This works best when you're just ranting about things but you don't write often enough to give everything it's proper time and coverage. Works great for me. So over the past week or so I've noticed and learned some things that I figured was worth sharing. Here we go. Let's start with last night and the Damn Yankees (please don't sue me George Abbott).

As expected, the Yankees won their 27th World Series last night. Really I'm not at all surprised, and I'm sure just about everyone else feels the same way. You spend over a billion dollars a decade I suppose you should win at least one championship. Money might not buy happiness but it certainly buys big, shiny trophies. I don't want to talk about the victory though. Nor do I care about discussing A-rod, Matsui for some reason wining the MVP, or the always awkward 25 man celebratory jump hug at the middle of the diamond. I prefer to talk about the celebration, or perhaps better put, the celebratory headgear. It's widely accepted that after winning a championship of any kind in professional baseball the players shower each other with champagne and beer. The same is true for really any pro sport. At some point players started wearing swimming goggles. Fine, it looks stupid, but whatever. Trying to avoid getting alcohol in your eyes. I suppose that makes sense. However, somewhere along the way this has gotten way out of hand. They've now moved on to designer ski goggles. Last night the Yankees locker room looked like either a winter X-games exhibition or the filming of Out Cold 2. Not only are the goggles complete overkill, but the players leave them on while doing their interviews. Really? If ever there was a safe time, it's while your talking to Peter Gammons. No professional ball player would ever dare spray that man with anything. And if removing the goggles during interviews isn't possible there's always the most practical option: Stop spraying what I'm sure is ridiculously expensive champagne all over each other and actually try drinking some of it.

If this man isn't celebrating with you then just leave the goggles at home

Ok, we can put baseball away now until spring training when I, as an Indians fan, will inexplicably get my hopes up again only to be crushed soon after. For now I'd like to discuss the Browns. Not the firing of our GM, effectively ending the ManCoke era (sorry Jay), but rather I'd like to point out something that Mangini said earlier in the week, just after another embarrassing loss. When questioned about who the starter would be (the reporter clearing expecting to hear a name starting with Q) Mangini replied that he wasn't sure because he thought, "We moved the ball well at times." Apparently less then 50 yards per quarter is moving the ball. I think the Saints average 50 yards per PLAY. This is at the surface of a much bigger issue I have with basically all of sports. Why can't coaches ever be honest. Why couldn't he just say, "Yeah that was garbage. I don't know why I keep putting DA in the game. He makes me look like a horse's ass every week." But no. He's looks at the camera and just lies to every Browns fan. You thought we moved the ball? The offenses in our Turkeybowl (coming very soon...) move the ball better then your team Mangini. Not to mention our play calling is WAY more imaginative. If you couple the Browns quarterback play on Sundays with Terrell Prior's god awful decision making and lack of an arm whatsoever on Saturdays, I contend that we have the worst combination of college/pro qb's in the country, maybe in history. In fact, I challenge anyone to come up with a more frustrating combination of weekend qb ineffectiveness. I won't hold my breath.

With all that being said I will bet the house against anyone that this weekend the Browns will NOT lose... any takers?

The Bengals had a bye week last weekend but this weekend they play the rival Ravens. (Is it just me or are the Ravens everyones rival now?) With the return of the Bengals comes the return of the single worst fan cheer, or calling card, or whatever you want to call it, ever. WHO DEY? I don't care how it originated, or why it still exists. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It sounds like they're trying to become the ghetto, illiterate branch of the army. Why is it DEY? are you that lazy Cincinnati? THEY is already a one syllable word. Is there really any need to shorten it?

Some quick hits...

-If a beer tastes awful, don't try to slow cook something in it. You can't change the flavor. It just soaks into the meat. Lesson learned.

-I wish I had the ability to not buy cheap movies. There is a Blockbuster closing down the street from me and I am now going in there once a week. I don't plan on buying something but when I see a movie for 5 bucks I HAVE to get it. Do I really need a 2nd copy of Mallrats? No, and yet I'm considering buying it because it's the collector's edition. I think I need a 12 step program to get away from that place.

-Secret girlfriend on Comedy Central is hilarious, and if you're not watching it... you should be. (there, happy Joe Bott?)

-If you're not careful, Hulu.com can take over your life.

-Taking a ricky bobby page... They actually need a "best movie ever made" Oscar... because I have a feeling that's the only way the Academy will be able to pay proper homage to AVATAR. I've totally bought into the incredible marketing job they've done for that movie. Either it will be amazing, or totally suck but either way it's making $300 million. You heard it here first.

Ok... time to go do real work now.

til next time, Na zdravie

-always work hard, never forget

it's better to fail, then live with regret-